Editor’s note: I dedicate this satire piece to the staff at Charlie Hebdo and mundane American life for peaceful Muslims. May the dignity of your every day life be restored to normal levels of organized chaos, including: billing, arguing with your staff attorney, sandwich orders, what kind of fabric to get for your nieces wedding invitations etc. etc.
PITTSBURGH – A man known only as, Mike, recruited three friends at close of business yesterday to launch a private security contracting company specialized to guard media companies deemed at risk for terrorist attacks.
The 32-year-old Pennsylvania native stated his reasons for developing the company were diverse.
“The reason you open any private security company is to provide specialty security services in the marketplace. The reason why I’m opening a private security company is to keep the National Security State from getting any ideas about planting martial forces inside places who make the funnies I read,” said Mike.
Mike expressed further concerns about the proliferation of TSA reaching into people’s pants, DHS running X-ray vans into schools & neighborhoods, CIA abuses and NSA mass surveillance.
“The way I see it, these National Security guys can’t get anything right these days. I wouldn’t let them hold my wife’s handbag. I know local businessmen have the right to defend themselves with a revolver from the local reprobates. Those frenchies couldn’t do that. If you’ve ever watched these news nerds working, they don’t look up from their computers. They don’t wear guns. They need security!”
The burgeoning security contractor hopes to approach a variety of media clients who have been threatened by what Mike calls, “deranged cult members bent on killing members of the media.” He hopes to fill a need where he believes government security priorities might not act or abuse their role with the media.
“Yeah, terrorists seem to only become terrorists after they’ve killed a few people and been arrested, but not before,” says Mike.
Phil McWonkerstein, a former CUNY professor and private National Security data analyst, affirmed this trend. After wiping beads of threat-sweat from his balding head, he indicated while FBI and other National Security agencies possess the data on the movements of known terrorists, and everyone else in the known world with a mobile device, their priorities have been a successive let down. This was attributed to FBI attempts to recruit & develop homegrown terrorists themselves to maintain informant quotas and the Obama administration’s shortsighted work to arm unstable rebels in transient Middle Eastern conflicts.
“Mike has a great idea for a marketable enterprise. He could save a lot of lives, of not just satire cartoonists. Legitimate media members need security support from crazed Islamic State fundamentalist cult members who we armed six months ago in Syria.. now! It’s sad that we stand to manufacture domestic terrorists in order to scrub up a budget to fight them. Before ISIL, fundamentalists coudn’t get here on their own dime. They’re proven to kill western journalists.
It’s a really dangerous time to be a journalist. Hey, remember that Rolling Stone journalist who “wrecked” his car after sending DoD Chief Alexander’s career up the river? He could have used an extra pair of eyes to watch out for him.”
Mike’s business, who is in process of being registered tomorrow, has yet to release a formal name. That hasn’t stopped him from staffing up and looking for customers.
“We’ve got plenty of great, amped people coming back from Iraq and Afghanistan who, frankly, are still looking to fight terrorists. Let’s get them on the payroll and keep National Security out of the media business. We got this.”
Mike will be primarily advertising on radio to reach his target talent pool. According to Mike, “None of them read the actual newspapers, but they will look at the funnies!”
At the close of the interview, Mike offered this news agency his services for a reduced introductory rate.
After showing our editor a critical cartoon of ISIL Islamic leader we ran after last year’s beheadings, Mike was given a spontaneous closed-door appointment. No further details were available at press time about the close of a security contract bid.